I'm too antsy to write anything good.

Making progress on the site makes me feel pretty good, even if it's just small things like the tabs on the new music page. Idk. I added a password to this page for shits and giggles, I know you can just find the script in the dev tools. But I've been thinking for a while, and I want my CoD shrine to kind of function like the in-game terminals. I'm thinking mostly of the ones in the safehouse. I've seen a few people make their sites look just like a desktop, so I'm hoping this is possible. The only issue is that I still have next to no understanding of JS, or what's efficient and what's not. But that's what experimenting is for.

I'm so in love with Wardialler. I hope one day I can try to make an entire site that you navigate with "commands." I just think it would be so cool. I've also been looking into lightboxes/photo galleries for my photos & art pages. And I've seen some pretty cool filtering systems on other sites that I want to try out. I think it'd be really nice on this page, especially as the entries start to pile up.

I figured, "hey, let me request my snap data so I can download my memories!!" But I didn't expect to have 4600 files to sift through. I also thought that the zip files would be multiple snaps compressed together, but actually: every zip file is one snap that had a caption or other kind of overlay. But, this is actually not so bad, because if a snap has a caption, the picture is generally boring or ugly. So, instead of plastering those ugly pics on my site, I can instead make an out-of-context caption gallery! Yes, I am a genius, thank you. And yes, my OneDrive is completely full and after 600 files, nothing new is being backed-up, but it's FIIIINE, I can fix it. Maybe.

I have the majority of my baby pictures and other family photos gathered, but haven't been able to scan them because my printer/scanner is poop in a butt. Might tinker with it and get it to work, or when I next have the chance I'll get something new and probably a little smaller.

I'm starting to hate my design again, because it seems so boring and bland, but I don't think I should tear it all down just yet. I think I've hit around the same milestone as I did last time I revamped and IDK. Maybe instead of starting over after I reach a certain point, I should just keep going until I reach a point where most pages are at least functional. Like, yeah brain, it's ugly. BUT, aesthetics shouldn't matter when the project is still half-baked. I can make it look pretty later.

Having a pretty hard time grasping JS and it's killed my momentum. I don't want to give up, but I find myself just staring lamely at the screen instead of actually making progress. The same thing happens with art, but it's whatever. Everything is a process.

I've been really feeling like that article on Rookie Mag by Spencer Tweedy. "When I'm not avoiding enjoying things, I'm avoiding making things." I've been playing Wardialler again recently. It makes me yearn for memories I don't have. I think it'd be cool to try to build a site that works like the game. There's a lot of things I want to do and be, but I often feel like I'm entirely incapable of anything.

I feel pretty pathetic. People in my life say I beat myself up too much. My mother says some people just take longer to figure it out than others. It doesn't change anything. Realistically, I know that it's still very early, and nothing is stagnant forever. I just feel it hanging over me. A persistent feeling of dread. The sense that everyone can clearly see how inept I am.

Self-hatred is such a bitch to deal with. It's pervasive, like it's been written directly into my DNA. I just know that everthing I do could be so much better. It can always be better. Maybe I hold myself to unrealistic standards. I just feel very uncreative? IDK. It's all so uninspired. Derivative and boring. Whatever.

Music is the only thing that can ever save me.