I'm too antsy to write anything good.

Having a pretty hard time grasping JS and it's killed my momentum. I don't want to give up, but I find myself just staring lamely at the screen instead of actually making progress. The same thing happens with art, but it's whatever. Everything is a process.

I've been really feeling like that article on Rookie Mag by Spencer Tweedy. "When I'm not avoiding enjoying things, I'm avoiding making things." I've been playing Wardialler again recently. It makes me yearn for memories I don't have. I think it'd be cool to try to build a site that works like the game. There's a lot of things I want to do and be, but I often feel like I'm entirely incapable of anything.

I feel pretty pathetic. People in my life say I beat myself up too much. My mother says some people just take longer to figure it out than others. It doesn't change anything. Realistically, I know that it's still very early, and nothing is stagnant forever. I just feel it hanging over me. A persistent feeling of dread. The sense that everyone can clearly see how inept I am.

Short one today, because it's actually 5 a.m. and I'm exhausted. I figured out that the gaps I'm seeing in my borders are just a Chrome issue. And then fixed the subsequent mess I made while losing my mind. And finally, I added a grid to the main container of the index. That part was actually kind of easy, but grids have been driving me crazy for the last 12 hours.

New index isn't very close to being finished, but I have a fairly solid vision of what I want to do, so hopefully it won't take me a million years. I have fun ideas for shrines, and I need to update my resources page. Unfortunately my mind is a mess and my methods are inefficient. Woe is me.

Making progress on the site makes me feel pretty good, even if it's just small things like the tabs on the new music page. Idk. I added a password to this page for shits and giggles, I know you can just find the script in the dev tools. But I've been thinking for a while, and I want my CoD shrine to kind of function like the in-game terminals. I'm thinking mostly of the ones in the safehouse. I've seen a few people make their sites look just like a desktop, so I'm hoping this is possible. The only issue is that I still have next to no understanding of JS, or what's efficient and what's not. But that's what experimenting is for.

I'm so enamored of Wardialler. I hope one day I can try to make an entire site that you navigate with "commands." I just think it would be so cool. I've also been looking into lightboxes/photo galleries for my photos & art pages. And I've seen some pretty cool filtering systems on other sites that I want to try out. I think it'd be really nice on this page, especially as the entries start to pile up.

No real updates today, just a diary entry. Had a really busy and emotionally exhausting day. Also took my first dose of ADHD meds after stopping them for a couple years, and the come-down is kicking my ass. Also can't smoke anymore. Wah Wah. I don't like stagnating like this, but I know if I push myself I will burn out and give up. Everything is cyclical though, so it will get better again, eventually.

Gonna have a real job soon, and eventually hopeful my own goddamn business. Stoked but also scared and idk. One step at a time. Also been looking into the W3Schools' certification courses. Got this pipe dream where I just wanna learn everything, even if I don't use the knowledge. Like, I really wanna get better with the Big 3 so I can actually build a site instead of floundering. But also thinking it'd be cool to learn python and maybe SQL. And maybe PHP, and maybe C#, and maybe... Yeah.

Just want to get smarter. Want to know more and be able to do more. Probably rooted in my insecurity. Oh well. I want that JS cert so bad, it's not even funny.

I'm tired and can't think straight.

First real entry, I suppose. I don't really journal, but plenty of people recommend it, so here I am. This whole endeavor has been pretty challenging, but I can't stop chasing that feeling I get when the code actually works the way I intended.

I am thinking of a cosmetic overhaul. I'll probably stick with the general layout, but I need to work on the inner boxes. I also need to make a better variety of border images. I like the rounded, plastic-y look, but when it's nested inside itself more than once it looks bad.

I am fucking suffering right now. I have an idea in my head of what I want to do but having a hard time executing it. And there's this gap in my border images that I can't get rid of. It only showed up after making the grid area its own container, rather than using the body. It looks cleaner in every way other than the lines in my borders. And trying to get my fonts to work is a sisyphean struggle.

I reiterate that I am not a programmer, nor am I a fucking artist. I want to prove that I can do this, so I'm not going to let these setbacks make me give up. I'm just insecure. I want to be cool, lmao.

If it comes down to it, I might just have to start a new CSS file from scratch. No copy/pasting from the old one. Might help me see where I'm going wrong, idk.

Been feeling very sad for the last few days. At first, I wasn't sure why, but quickly realized I've been neglecting to take my meds. It's not even so bad that I feel like a danger, very simple things just make me feel like crying. Mostly if it relates to my brother in any way.

I took a nap earlier today and had a dream that my brother came home. He was significantly younger than real life, maybe 15-16. I don't remember speaking at all, was just stunned and hugged him and cried and that's it. I wish we could have spoken. Mom says that he came to me in a younger form becuase when he was younger he was happier. To me it's just that I don't have a real, concrete memory of him at the end, aside from the memory of him in the hospital. I am glad my subconscious supplied this happier version, though. It's better than being retraumatized by a dream.

I've also had multiple YT shorts cause me to tear up. One from TheKoreanVegan talking about her mother, and another that was about D1. As soon as I saw the old tower I had to close the app and compose myself. Everything about that just makes me sad. That my brother missed the entirety of D2. That a game I hold so dear has been dying an insanely slow death. It's all a reminder that time doesn't stop for you. The world keeps turning and things keep changing, all while you're left behind trying to pick up the pieces of your life.

I've been stuck in this nihilistic, defeatist, self-pitying, insecure mindset since April and can't seem to find a way out. I spent a decade waiting for my brother's release, and now that he's never coming home, I just can't find any real reason to be here.

Not many big changes lately. Losing my steam a bit. Also might have something big happening IRL.

Current photos page just has pics I found on Pint to use as placeholders. I won't be able to get my phone fixed until next month, and my printer refuses to cooperate with me. So, no personal pics or scans.

I can parse a small amount of what's happening in the JS but not enough to really understand what I'm looking at. Been reading javascript.info and it's very helpful but I'm having a hard time retaining info.

I'm not excited for winter. It's already getting colder here. And I'm just flooded with memories of all the shitty winters I've had. Already can feel a familiar sense of melancholy settling over everything. Things will be cold and gray and desolate. I don't really care if it's hot, the Sun makes me feel alive. Winter makes me feel like I've been dead for years.

[Edit] I'm actually becoming increasingly unhappy with the state of it so far. I feel the urge to strip it all down and start over. Also grappling with the understanding that I am not a creative person. It's whatever, idk. We keep walking.